Practicalities
How do I find / choose a younger man to mentor?
Talk to God, talk to the pastors and then talk to the parents. I do not ask big commitments from my guys, but I make big commitments to them. So I am slow to choose. I want a clear word from God before I decide.
What do I do during the first few times we meet?
For most of the younger men you will serve, their relationship with you is the first intentional relationship they will have experienced. Their family, friends, teachers, etc. just happened, and often, happened to them. You are a choice. I emphasize that. I talk about what I am committing to do (pray for them, share my life openly and honestly with them) and what they can ask me to do (hold them accountable, hang out, offer advice). I talk about the process and goal of mentoring. I discuss the trust needed for us to open our lives to one another, and talk about when and why I, or they, should breach the confidentiality that is assumed to exist throughout the mentoring relationship. I give them control of the relationship. They get to decide how much they share with me. I describe how I will invite them to become a part of my life and share their lives with me, and that those invitations are theirs to accept or reject. The commitment I ask from them is that they act like men, that they be honest with me and use me to become better men. The first couple of meetings with most younger men are probably too early for serious discussions about sex or pornography, but it should be made clear up front that those discussions are invited by you and will be initiated by you in future meetings.
How do I communicate with my guys?
Wherever they communicate. I have managed to avoid twitter so far, I escaped Facebook, and I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Instagram or Snapchat. But I send many texts, and many long texts. Occasionally phone calls. Occasionally email. Most conversations, though, happen in person, late at night.
Younger men are often pretty bad at responding to any form of communication, even in-person conversations, but especially texts and other messaging. If they respond, they often do so after a long time and, even then, with an ambiguous textual equivalent of a grunt. Accept their poor communication. It is not a battle worth having. Your model of prompt, clear communication, combined with their own growth, will lead to better habits.
In my experience, the best times to have deep conversations with younger men are unscheduled and unexpected times, generally late at night, often around a fire late at night, after a long day of work or games late at night, late at night before an early morning.
Should I meet with them one on one or in groups? What size groups?
I have in the past and continue now to meet with both individuals and groups. I often alternate between meeting with guys individually and then getting them together as a group. For groups that consistently meet as a group, I would limit the size to 3, or at most 4 if there was enough trust and openness among the 4.
A small group of 2 or 3 can be less intimidating than meeting one on one, and groups are easier to keep entertained because they feed off of each other. Groups are venues where younger men can learn and practice walking alongside others before God. Their encouragement of and prayer for one another is powerful.
But there is also a place for individual encouragement and accountability. Use discretion and pay attention to individual personalities and diverging needs of individuals within a group. There may be times when you need to pull one guy aside from the group and have a conversation or just hang out, in order to effectively serve him.
How often should I meet with them?
Every week, every two weeks, once a month, once every few months. You should not take all of their time. They need to have rich lives. If your time together is fruitful, or if there is a special need for more focused work and they are receptive to that, then meet more often. If they have well-established disciplines and are growing in them, or they are in a less receptive stage, then meet less often.
There are times when they are less receptive, or seemingly completely closed, to you, unwilling to grant you any power to speak into their lives. It is important to persevere through those times, to continue meeting regularly even though the time seems unfruitful. Droughts grow the soul in ways that rain cannot. Be faithful to them as God has been faithful to you in your rebellions.
How long does it take?
A day with the Lord is like a thousand years, and thousand years like a day.1
What is “it”? It takes a lifetime to attain Paul’s prize. It takes an hour to hang out with a younger man and meaningfully build him up in Christ. I think The Lost Art of Disciple Making2 suggested that it takes, on average, 7 years to grow a young disciple into a disciple-maker. Your success is not measured by how many younger men you take all the way to disciple-makers. Your success is determined only by God, and is based upon your faithfulness in utilizing the gifts He has given you to serve Him and bring Him glory. “Make the most of the time.”3 If you are given an hour, work that hour. If you are given a decade, work that decade.
Where do I go if I have problems or questions?
To the men you have been intentional about bringing into your life who are above you, who watch over your soul. To the men you have been intentional about bringing into your life who are beside you, who walk with you through life. To your pastors. You should be going to these men regularly – questions, problems, or not. Part of their work is to catch issues before they become problems.